Dear Congress,

Please stop wasting your time on steriods. The last thing I want my government involved in is legislating sports. These are grown men who chase balls around for a living and I don't give a shit if they are injecting horse piss into their eyeballs in order to chase the ball around better. In fact, if you let this go unfettered, it might evolve into something like mutant football players with cybernetic legs, and that would be awesome.

If you're wondering what to do with all the spare time you will find once you've dropped this, here are a few helpful suggestions:

• Stop spending all my goddamned money trying to pass stupid fucking laws.
• Stop spending all my goddamned money trying to pass stupid fucking laws.
• Stop spending all my goddamned money trying to pass stupid fucking laws.

Thank you for your time.