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| WOMEN |  | Category: Sex
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002 @ 12:48 pm
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All that I see
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This picture turned out quite a bit creepier than I intended. I thought it would be a funny "geek daydreaming" picture, but it looks like a maniacal stalker preparing his pliers and duct tape.
Sex is in every way some sort of cruel joke. Men spend the most of their time figuring out how they are going to get into a woman's pants. Men do the most insane shit, even when they know there's no chance that they'll ever get the woman. A man will tip heavily in a restaurant he'll never revisit just because the waitress is hot. Even if he sees her again, the extra three bucks isn't going to help his chances of procreation. Yet his wallet is porous at Hooters.
You can infer that all men are like this. I suspect that the only men who are different are gay. And the only difference is that you replace all of my references to women with "Tom Cruise". Actually, homosexual statistics prove my point. According to the AIDS paper Hyperlogic gave me more than 40% of homosexual men had at least 500 sexual parterns in their lifetime. To which I can only reply HOLY SHIT. This is what happens when you don't have women acting as boron rods.
And this brings me to seducing women. Gay men have it so easy. They just drill a hole in a bathroom stall and they're good to go. Not so for the straight man. Those of us who are not Adonis must learn the subtle art of lying to women.
I don't mean lying about your job or interests. I am referring to having the TRUTH exist only in the subtext of the situation. Perhaps you innocuously call your female "friend" just to hang out. Or when a shindig is winding down you ask a female you'd like to "get to know" if she'd like to have a cup of coffee. Or, later on, perhaps you stop at her house to use the bathroom. Or watch a movie. Or see her stupid dog. Or any one of the 10,000 things that you really DON'T give a shit about but claim to because you want to be on the other side of the door.
I must take a moment here to address what will no doubt be an objection to my theory. Perhaps I'm just not the ladies man. Perhaps I'm just not good looking enough to snag these women. Maybe if I was a prettyboy things would be different. But no, after clinical tests in the field I have determined beyond any doubt that my theory is solid.
According to the Principles of Obvious Lying (POL) the man must never EVER state his true intentions. The man must never address what is clearly going on. Here is an example of what would happen if men did not adhere to the POL:
Man: Every day I walk the long way around to get to the bathroom because I hope to catch a glimpse of your legs underneath your desk. I've built up the courage to ask you to go to dinner in the hopes that afterwords we will go back to my house and have sex.
Woman: 911!
You see? This is a typical example of the man telling the truth. He has betrayed no thought that is remotely out of the ordinary. Men routinely linger in front of the elevator when the hottie is on her way. They go to a particular restaurant just so they can see a particular waitress's legs (or breasts depending on the waitress and tastes of the man). A man will pretend that he's thirsty when he knows the hottie is in the lunchroom. That's just what men do. (And don't bother protesting to me, men. Remember, I'm one of you)
Now, lets revisit the above conversation, utilizing the principles of obvious lying.
Man: Hey, a few of us were going to go out after work. Do you want to come along?
Woman: Sure!
An advanced technique would be to do this even if no one else were actually coming after work. This requires some pre-planning. i.e. getting one or two of the guys to corroborate that they were going to come along, but something came up.
The Grab
Now you're going to have to lie to get the woman alone. Remember, "let's go to your house to have sex" won't work! The POL runs very very deep. A good technique is to find a place to go that is very near to your house so you have a good excuse to stop there on the way to dropping her off at home.
Correct:
Man: Do you mind stopping at my house really quick? I have to bring a video back to the store on the way back.
Incorrect:
Would you like to come to my house?
Central to the POL is that the woman can lie to herself about what is going on. If you do it correctly you can get her to sit on the sofa, take her shoes off, make out, and have sex before she even knows what's going on. And remember: until you have had sex you are not allowed to tell the truth. Don't get clever and think you can all of a sudden be honest. Here is a real life scenario from one of my field studies:
(John is on the woman's sofa at 2am. Both subjects are drunk. Woman has her legs propped up near John)
John (slyly): Can I kiss you?
Woman: That would make me uncomfortable
You see? I slacked off once I thought I was home free. Now here is another field study. Situation: John and another male are studying at a female friend's house. John says they should go to let the female sleep. John and other male leave in separate cars. John drives around the block, comes back and knocks on the door.
Woman: Yes?
John grabs woman and starts making out.
You'll notice a dearth of conversation coming from John in the successful examples. This is the important last step in the POL. Field study x55T-y:
Situation: John is introduced to woman by mutual friend in a club. Friend goes to buy drinks. John stares at woman. John grabs woman and makes out with her heavily.
Note the complete and total lack of dialogue in this example. Had I spoken, I'm sure I would have blown it.
Field study TK421:
John: Blah blah blah my job blah blah where are you from blah blah
Woman: Blah blah school blah blah my name blah blah blah.
John: Want to thumb wrestle?
The subjects thumb wrestle and John wins, but doesn't let go. Eye contact ensues and they begin making out.
Field study Magenta:
John writes song to woman, professing his love. He plays it for her. Woman, who previously was attracted to John, feels creeped out and uncomfortable.
I hope this has been an instructive post. In closing, remember these simple pre-sex POL rules:
1) Never EVER tell a woman that you're attracted to her
2) No matter what you ask a woman to do, no matter how obviously it points to sex, make it seem innocuous
3) Never talk about anything serious. IF you feel compelled to talk about "deep" issues, make sure they're shallow art-school girl Leonardo Decaprio crap. Don't tell her that you were molested as a kid
4) When the time comes, grab her. Like Nick Cage said: "You just put it in." Don't talk.
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