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Category: Sex
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002 @ 12:48 pm
Posted By foo
All that I see
This picture turned out quite a bit creepier than I intended. I thought it would be a funny "geek daydreaming" picture, but it looks like a maniacal stalker preparing his pliers and duct tape.

Sex is in every way some sort of cruel joke. Men spend the most of their time figuring out how they are going to get into a woman's pants. Men do the most insane shit, even when they know there's no chance that they'll ever get the woman. A man will tip heavily in a restaurant he'll never revisit just because the waitress is hot. Even if he sees her again, the extra three bucks isn't going to help his chances of procreation. Yet his wallet is porous at Hooters.

You can infer that all men are like this. I suspect that the only men who are different are gay. And the only difference is that you replace all of my references to women with "Tom Cruise". Actually, homosexual statistics prove my point. According to the AIDS paper Hyperlogic gave me more than 40% of homosexual men had at least 500 sexual parterns in their lifetime. To which I can only reply HOLY SHIT. This is what happens when you don't have women acting as boron rods.

And this brings me to seducing women. Gay men have it so easy. They just drill a hole in a bathroom stall and they're good to go. Not so for the straight man. Those of us who are not Adonis must learn the subtle art of lying to women.

I don't mean lying about your job or interests. I am referring to having the TRUTH exist only in the subtext of the situation. Perhaps you innocuously call your female "friend" just to hang out. Or when a shindig is winding down you ask a female you'd like to "get to know" if she'd like to have a cup of coffee. Or, later on, perhaps you stop at her house to use the bathroom. Or watch a movie. Or see her stupid dog. Or any one of the 10,000 things that you really DON'T give a shit about but claim to because you want to be on the other side of the door.

I must take a moment here to address what will no doubt be an objection to my theory. Perhaps I'm just not the ladies man. Perhaps I'm just not good looking enough to snag these women. Maybe if I was a prettyboy things would be different. But no, after clinical tests in the field I have determined beyond any doubt that my theory is solid.

According to the Principles of Obvious Lying (POL) the man must never EVER state his true intentions. The man must never address what is clearly going on. Here is an example of what would happen if men did not adhere to the POL:

Man: Every day I walk the long way around to get to the bathroom because I hope to catch a glimpse of your legs underneath your desk. I've built up the courage to ask you to go to dinner in the hopes that afterwords we will go back to my house and have sex.

Woman: 911!

You see? This is a typical example of the man telling the truth. He has betrayed no thought that is remotely out of the ordinary. Men routinely linger in front of the elevator when the hottie is on her way. They go to a particular restaurant just so they can see a particular waitress's legs (or breasts depending on the waitress and tastes of the man). A man will pretend that he's thirsty when he knows the hottie is in the lunchroom. That's just what men do. (And don't bother protesting to me, men. Remember, I'm one of you)

Now, lets revisit the above conversation, utilizing the principles of obvious lying.

Man: Hey, a few of us were going to go out after work. Do you want to come along?

Woman: Sure!

An advanced technique would be to do this even if no one else were actually coming after work. This requires some pre-planning. i.e. getting one or two of the guys to corroborate that they were going to come along, but something came up.

The Grab

Now you're going to have to lie to get the woman alone. Remember, "let's go to your house to have sex" won't work! The POL runs very very deep. A good technique is to find a place to go that is very near to your house so you have a good excuse to stop there on the way to dropping her off at home.

Man: Do you mind stopping at my house really quick? I have to bring a video back to the store on the way back.

Would you like to come to my house?

Central to the POL is that the woman can lie to herself about what is going on. If you do it correctly you can get her to sit on the sofa, take her shoes off, make out, and have sex before she even knows what's going on. And remember: until you have had sex you are not allowed to tell the truth. Don't get clever and think you can all of a sudden be honest. Here is a real life scenario from one of my field studies:

(John is on the woman's sofa at 2am. Both subjects are drunk. Woman has her legs propped up near John)

John (slyly): Can I kiss you?

Woman: That would make me uncomfortable

You see? I slacked off once I thought I was home free. Now here is another field study. Situation: John and another male are studying at a female friend's house. John says they should go to let the female sleep. John and other male leave in separate cars. John drives around the block, comes back and knocks on the door.

Woman: Yes?

John grabs woman and starts making out.

You'll notice a dearth of conversation coming from John in the successful examples. This is the important last step in the POL. Field study x55T-y:

Situation: John is introduced to woman by mutual friend in a club. Friend goes to buy drinks. John stares at woman. John grabs woman and makes out with her heavily.

Note the complete and total lack of dialogue in this example. Had I spoken, I'm sure I would have blown it.
Field study TK421:

John: Blah blah blah my job blah blah where are you from blah blah

Woman: Blah blah school blah blah my name blah blah blah.

John: Want to thumb wrestle?

The subjects thumb wrestle and John wins, but doesn't let go. Eye contact ensues and they begin making out.

Field study Magenta:

John writes song to woman, professing his love. He plays it for her. Woman, who previously was attracted to John, feels creeped out and uncomfortable.

I hope this has been an instructive post. In closing, remember these simple pre-sex POL rules:

1) Never EVER tell a woman that you're attracted to her
2) No matter what you ask a woman to do, no matter how obviously it points to sex, make it seem innocuous
3) Never talk about anything serious. IF you feel compelled to talk about "deep" issues, make sure they're shallow art-school girl Leonardo Decaprio crap. Don't tell her that you were molested as a kid
4) When the time comes, grab her. Like Nick Cage said: "You just put it in." Don't talk.


NAME: XenuSux
Tuesday, February 19th, 2002 @ 03:45 pm
foo - There are some women out there that can admit what they are and admit that you might have something with the POL...maybe you just haven't met them yet.

NAME: imaclone
Thursday, January 24th, 2002 @ 03:07 pm
Here's my reasoning behind the whole thing:

Men are realists while women are idealists. Men see what they want, realize it, and have no qualms with making a fool out of themself to get the girl(most of them, anyway).

An attractive woman can have any man she wants. Where's the challenge in that? It's simple, there isn't one.

Nice guy = predictable = boring.

NAME: foo
WEBSITE: http://foo
Thursday, January 24th, 2002 @ 01:58 pm
> So, basically, your point is: if you are a man and you want to approach a woman, you really have to work at it

Pretty much. However, an additional and important point is that you must be the OPPOSITE of what women claim to want. Women say they're looking for a prince, but what wins them is the walking cock.

NAME: GirlyGirl
WEBSITE: http://www.glitch13.com
Thursday, January 24th, 2002 @ 01:11 pm
The picture for this post proves the main difference between men and women. Here we have a man dreaming about some of the women he would like to "bone". Or at least that's what it's supposed to look like, after you get over the initial creepiness of it.
Granted, you have made some good points (some men really should just stick with the "say nothing" approach).
As a woman, I don't sit around and think about men all of the time. I don't have to. First off, I already know what every man who approaches me wants (or is thinking). I know right away whether I want to have sex with him or give him 2 seconds of my time.
I know that men have it a lot harder than women, as far as trying to "get some". Probably because women already know that men are obsessed with the female form. So, really we get to make the ultimate decision. All we have to do is take a hold of the dumbstick and lead the way.
So, basically, your point is: if you are a man and you want to approach a woman, you really have to work at it. Because not all women are thinking about the bootily stinkily all of the time.

NAME: matt
Thursday, January 24th, 2002 @ 04:43 am
perhaps the biggest post on this site yet and one of the most honest. good job foo however, don't ever let a woman read glitch13's site or yours unless you have received the bootily stinkily first or don't intend to bone her.

sex is like chess for you it seems, when are you able to enjoy your move without thinking too much about the next?


NAME: foo
WEBSITE: http://foo
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002 @ 08:49 pm
I have to add that anyone that has seen me with my former girlfriends knows I am a sap. I AM a sensitive and caring pussy. I AM interested in a loving and caring relationship.

But I don't let on to this until after I've gotten the bootily stinkily.

NAME: foo
WEBSITE: http://foo
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002 @ 08:25 pm
I have never - repeat NEVER been turned down by a girl who I approached physically (i.e.: suddenly put my arms around her, kissed her, caressed her hands whatever) never NEVER NEVER even ONE time been shunned.

I have yet to have a girl - even once - respond to "deep" conversation and emotional bullshit.

Women cannot admit what they are.

NAME: glitch13
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002 @ 08:13 pm
You know, sensitivity has it merits. The unfortunate part of it is that women want men to be more sensitive, but they seem to bone guys that they want to bone. Very rarely do these two types overlap. Therefore, I have to agree that sexual tension gets you in the sack faster than a rose and a poem.

NAME: GirlyGirl
WEBSITE: http://www.glitch13.com
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002 @ 07:59 pm
Well, John...you have managed to creep me out..once again. Maybe you should keep working on those field studies. You don't have to be gay to be a little bit sensitive or considerate of a womans feelings. Some guys are just going to be creepy no matter what their approach is.