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Monday, June 27th, 2005 @ 11:48 am
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Men are horrible. Take it from me, I'm one of them. If a women were allowed a mere one second glimpse into the mind of a man she would chew her own tongue and claw out her eyeballs. We calculate sexual probability into almost every interaction we participate in, and usually it's the first thing we calculate. The combination of nubile and vapid are our cryptonite. It is horrible, but it's true.
Women have flaws as well, if not similar to a man's they are in the very least comparable. So we have a commonality there, we each have flaws regarding our views of sexuality and mate selection when compared to the storybook view of love that everyone pretends they have.
There does exist one stark difference between us, besides one group posessing penises and the other vaginas. As I just have, men freely admit their shortcomings. We have no problem with pulling the curtain aside and allowing people to see the perverted man flipping all the levers and turning all the cogs.
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| THE CURRENT STATE OF PORN | | Category: Sex
Tuesday, September 7th, 2004 @ 03:05 pm
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The Best Porn Director of all Time
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I have been a porn fan for a long time. When I was 13 I used to laboriously record the titty scenes from every movie on Showtime. I had a collage of sci-fi T&A, bikini car washes, softcore porn, and the boob scene from Stripes. I can remember watching Forbidden World and climaxing perfectly in time with all three of the sex scenes.
Porn has grown with me. I did not see my first hardcore porn movie until right around the time I was actually having sex. It was a Ginger Lynn collection. The porn, that is, not the actual sex. The porn had a scene with Peter North and Ginger Lynn which remains one of my very favorites to this day (Penis length and ejaculation distance envy notwithstanding). Over time I very gradually obtained other movies and their subject matter broadened along with my own personal experience. I remember with nostalgia the movie Back Road to Paradise. It was a watershed moment in my life.
Once porn became readily available on the computer note that this is pre-internet explosion I had a 250 meg tape backup to archive my porn. That was a lot of porn back then. I also collected magazines and VHS tapes, and it got to a point where I could no longer fit it in my bed stand and had to move it to a foot locker. All the while the collection steadily matured with me. My mind turned to three ways and fetish, to anilingus and costumes.
Then something went wrong. Something horrible has happened to porn.
Glitch and I fancy ourselves to be sex freaks. We are huge porn fiends, and in addition we actually have real life sex with real girls. We do this a lot, and when we aren't doing these things we often talk about doing them, or post ramblings about them on glitch13.com.
The truth is, however, we are obsolete models. We are throwbacks to a bygone era. If you have ever seen the movie Soldier, we are Kurt Russel. I quote the Winkle:
"Doesn't anyone just fuck anymore?"
Porn is a reflection of the desires of those who watch it. What people want to see is what gets made. If the current state of porn is any indication, the world is hopelessly fucked up and I have been left behind.
I have a bit of a rep as a misogynist, and in some senses it is deserved. But I do not hold a candle to what is apparently the vast majority of the male population.
When I go into the porn video store I now find it exceedlingly difficult to find anything I can watch. Porn has become unbelievably brutal towards women. I blame it on the disease known as Rocco Siffredi. The first time I saw him on a box I thought, "Hey, all of these people are good looking, and I'm sick of seeing Tom Byron in every goddamn movie." But then I tried to watch it.
I find Rocco unwatchable. He makes it a point to stretch women's assholes beyond any reasonable point of pleasure. He shoves their heads into toilets. He spits in their faces. He slaps them. And he is immensely popular.
There is a whole Rocco section in the porn store. And while these movies are teeming with beautiful women, there is a catch: You have to watch Rocco abuse them.
Then you have slap happy. This is literally a video full of dudes writing the word "whore" on women in paint, and then slapping them in the face in between brutal bursts of fucking. Also a popular series.
Then you have Max Hardcore. You get to watch a 50 year old man brutalize a beautiful young girl.
Then you have Nacho Vidal. The list goes on and on.
I have always been an ardent supporter of porn. I have always defended it, and argued that is no more degrading to women than men. Given the current state of the industry I really cannot make that argument any longer. It now seems that humiliation is the actual point of the porn rather than being an undesired by-product.
John Stagliano - Buttman - and Joey Silvera are virtually the only big porn directors I can still watch. They use their cameras to worship women's beauty. They linger over every inch of their body and end with good old fashioned ass love. And that is the very best.
But even these bastions of porn quality are not untouched by the horrid Rocco Effect. Even they are slowly moving closer to what is now the mainstream. One day there will be nothing left of that quaint old world that I remember. My children will never know the simpler pleasures in life that do not involve ass fisting or creampie. My children will never live in a world where gangbangs are the exception rather than the rule. And this is a sad world indeed.
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| THE ELUSIVE BI-FEM | | Category: Sex
Wednesday, December 4th, 2002 @ 11:55 am
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Crikey! Isn't she a beaut?
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Ahh, the elusive BiFem. Until recently I had no idea what a slippery creature you could be. The world is jam packed with single horny guys, single semi-elusive women, and couples looking for a swinging good time. But the true BiFem is a rare thing indeed.
When discussing the CP, people often comment that it must be difficult to get one's girlfriend to along with it. But no! That's the easy part. It isn't really a question of convincing her. Women naturally like the CP with their man. It's just genetics. But the other necessary half of the CP - the elusive BiFem - is where the difficulty lies.
You not only have to find 1) A woman willing to have sex with you but 2) A woman willing to have sex with you when she *knows* she isn't getting a relationship and 3) A woman willing to have sex with another woman and 4) Willing to do all of these things at the same time.
This is a tall order. It requires perseverance. It requires effort. It requires a lot of alcohol.
There are many creatures that masquerade as the BiFem for protection or some other advantage. I have broken them up into a few categories:
Attention Grabbers: These girls like getting guys attention by making out with girls. They don't really like girls, but rather the attention gained by bumping and grinding in public. These girls will not step up to the plate.
Too Cool For School: Girl on girl action is pretty hip these days. A lot of girls talk the talk to seem like part of the cool clique. These girls don't walk the walk.
Sluts: These girls pretty much just want to have sex with the male partner in the situation, and will lie to him about digging girls to trick him into boning them. However, if you get them drunk enough they may play ball! We're getting warmer!
Lesbians: Be careful with this breed! Their venom is quite powerful and they should be treated with extreme caution. If you get them drunk enough they might play ball to have sex with your woman, but remember that they can be dangerous!
Fatties: Many fatties are willing to do pretty much anything to get some Action Jackson. This includes the CP. (And if the internet is to be believed, it also includes scat, bondage, and CosPlay) While the fatty *may* actually be a true BiFem, do you really care?
If you are looking for the BiFem on the internet, then there are a few other types you may run into:
Guys Jacking Off: 99% of the women you run into online are actually guys that are jacking off. This includes the BiFem women. You must be very very very careful not to send Guy Jacking Off photos of you and your woman in Flagrante.
Couples (Guy Jacking Off): This is a variation of the previous type. Many couples, after finding out just how slippery the BiFem can be, turn to the internet to rustle one up. Often the couple will pose as a BiFem to lure other BiFems out of hiding, or worse, trying to hook a BiFem hungry couple. Note that the guy will no doubt be jacking off at any photos you send In Flagrante.
Hopefully this little guide will help you on your quest to capture the elusive BiFem. Print out that list and put it on a wallet sized laminated card. That way you will have a handy reference for possible pitfalls in your quest.
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| WOMEN | | Category: Sex
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002 @ 12:48 pm
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All that I see
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This picture turned out quite a bit creepier than I intended. I thought it would be a funny "geek daydreaming" picture, but it looks like a maniacal stalker preparing his pliers and duct tape.
Sex is in every way some sort of cruel joke. Men spend the most of their time figuring out how they are going to get into a woman's pants. Men do the most insane shit, even when they know there's no chance that they'll ever get the woman. A man will tip heavily in a restaurant he'll never revisit just because the waitress is hot. Even if he sees her again, the extra three bucks isn't going to help his chances of procreation. Yet his wallet is porous at Hooters.
You can infer that all men are like this. I suspect that the only men who are different are gay. And the only difference is that you replace all of my references to women with "Tom Cruise". Actually, homosexual statistics prove my point. According to the AIDS paper Hyperlogic gave me more than 40% of homosexual men had at least 500 sexual parterns in their lifetime. To which I can only reply HOLY SHIT. This is what happens when you don't have women acting as boron rods.
And this brings me to seducing women. Gay men have it so easy. They just drill a hole in a bathroom stall and they're good to go. Not so for the straight man. Those of us who are not Adonis must learn the subtle art of lying to women.
I don't mean lying about your job or interests. I am referring to having the TRUTH exist only in the subtext of the situation. Perhaps you innocuously call your female "friend" just to hang out. Or when a shindig is winding down you ask a female you'd like to "get to know" if she'd like to have a cup of coffee. Or, later on, perhaps you stop at her house to use the bathroom. Or watch a movie. Or see her stupid dog. Or any one of the 10,000 things that you really DON'T give a shit about but claim to because you want to be on the other side of the door.
I must take a moment here to address what will no doubt be an objection to my theory. Perhaps I'm just not the ladies man. Perhaps I'm just not good looking enough to snag these women. Maybe if I was a prettyboy things would be different. But no, after clinical tests in the field I have determined beyond any doubt that my theory is solid.
According to the Principles of Obvious Lying (POL) the man must never EVER state his true intentions. The man must never address what is clearly going on. Here is an example of what would happen if men did not adhere to the POL:
Man: Every day I walk the long way around to get to the bathroom because I hope to catch a glimpse of your legs underneath your desk. I've built up the courage to ask you to go to dinner in the hopes that afterwords we will go back to my house and have sex.
Woman: 911!
You see? This is a typical example of the man telling the truth. He has betrayed no thought that is remotely out of the ordinary. Men routinely linger in front of the elevator when the hottie is on her way. They go to a particular restaurant just so they can see a particular waitress's legs (or breasts depending on the waitress and tastes of the man). A man will pretend that he's thirsty when he knows the hottie is in the lunchroom. That's just what men do. (And don't bother protesting to me, men. Remember, I'm one of you)
Now, lets revisit the above conversation, utilizing the principles of obvious lying.
Man: Hey, a few of us were going to go out after work. Do you want to come along?
Woman: Sure!
An advanced technique would be to do this even if no one else were actually coming after work. This requires some pre-planning. i.e. getting one or two of the guys to corroborate that they were going to come along, but something came up.
The Grab
Now you're going to have to lie to get the woman alone. Remember, "let's go to your house to have sex" won't work! The POL runs very very deep. A good technique is to find a place to go that is very near to your house so you have a good excuse to stop there on the way to dropping her off at home.
Correct:
Man: Do you mind stopping at my house really quick? I have to bring a video back to the store on the way back.
Incorrect:
Would you like to come to my house?
Central to the POL is that the woman can lie to herself about what is going on. If you do it correctly you can get her to sit on the sofa, take her shoes off, make out, and have sex before she even knows what's going on. And remember: until you have had sex you are not allowed to tell the truth. Don't get clever and think you can all of a sudden be honest. Here is a real life scenario from one of my field studies:
(John is on the woman's sofa at 2am. Both subjects are drunk. Woman has her legs propped up near John)
John (slyly): Can I kiss you?
Woman: That would make me uncomfortable
You see? I slacked off once I thought I was home free. Now here is another field study. Situation: John and another male are studying at a female friend's house. John says they should go to let the female sleep. John and other male leave in separate cars. John drives around the block, comes back and knocks on the door.
Woman: Yes?
John grabs woman and starts making out.
You'll notice a dearth of conversation coming from John in the successful examples. This is the important last step in the POL. Field study x55T-y:
Situation: John is introduced to woman by mutual friend in a club. Friend goes to buy drinks. John stares at woman. John grabs woman and makes out with her heavily.
Note the complete and total lack of dialogue in this example. Had I spoken, I'm sure I would have blown it.
Field study TK421:
John: Blah blah blah my job blah blah where are you from blah blah
Woman: Blah blah school blah blah my name blah blah blah.
John: Want to thumb wrestle?
The subjects thumb wrestle and John wins, but doesn't let go. Eye contact ensues and they begin making out.
Field study Magenta:
John writes song to woman, professing his love. He plays it for her. Woman, who previously was attracted to John, feels creeped out and uncomfortable.
I hope this has been an instructive post. In closing, remember these simple pre-sex POL rules:
1) Never EVER tell a woman that you're attracted to her
2) No matter what you ask a woman to do, no matter how obviously it points to sex, make it seem innocuous
3) Never talk about anything serious. IF you feel compelled to talk about "deep" issues, make sure they're shallow art-school girl Leonardo Decaprio crap. Don't tell her that you were molested as a kid
4) When the time comes, grab her. Like Nick Cage said: "You just put it in." Don't talk.
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| THE GREAT AND GLORIOUS CP | | Category: Sex
Tuesday, January 15th, 2002 @ 08:11 pm
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The Face of God
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If you are a regular glitch13 reader (and who isn't?) then you have no doubt seen numerous references to the CP. It has been referred to as "the great and glorious", "magnificent", "meaning of life", or as I like to call it "the only reason to talk to women".
But what is it? Just what is this inside joke between the incestuous glitch and foo?
Well, as you no doubt learned in grade school a camel toe occurs when a woman is wearing pants that are tight enough to accent her labia majora. This alone is quite a glorious thing. I'm not naming any names, but I know a guy who goes through all pictures of his friend's girlfriends hoping for just one fleeting glimpse of a camel toe. I'm not naming any names, but he also got loaded and told a girl he masturbated on her underwear when she left her clothes at his house.
If you're like me then you're quite fixated on the labia majora. So much so, in fact, that photographic documentation of this part of the female anatomy consumes a large percentage of your hard drive space. (Back to first person) I can take or leave the labia minora. I have only seen one or two sets of REALLY sexy labia minora, while I've seen literally thousands of sets of nasty ones. For the most part they're just there. Not sexy and not nasty. Just there getting in the way of the full enjoyment of the labia majora.
Once again, if you're like me, you enjoy the experience of simply rubbing against the labia majora for friction rather than actual vaginal penetration. An added bonus is that you're typically stimulating the clitoris during this blessed ritual, and both your sick fetishes and your girlfriend's apetite are satisfied.
The above image can be found in Gray's Anatomy. It is part of a technical discussion on Kegel exercises, female ejaculation, and the CP. This image, as you have no doubt surmised, is a anatomically accurate depiction of the CP. Quite simply, two women with large labia majora press their camels together and the man inserts his penis into the heavenly space between. Hence the name Camel Press.
Since seeing this diagram three years ago I have had a new mission in life. All of the wealth in the world is useless without the CP. (Of course, wealth has an interesting way of acting as a catalyst, drawing your penis into many vaginas) Sadly, I failed to act on my sole opportunity, choosing instead to poison fishcakes in UO rather than partake.
Never again. With Shiva as my witness I SHALL GET THE CP! Glitch has won the battle, but not the war. I will prevail. And then I'll be happy. Holy shit, then I'll be happy.
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