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| CHOICE |  | Category: Personal
Thursday, November 18th, 2004 @ 03:16 pm
|
 There's
a large difference between being a non-smoker and an ex-smoker.
While there's the entire urge to smoke thing going on with ex-smokers,
there's something below that, something more base, that's extremely
disturbing: the removal of your free will.
What bothers me the most about not smoking is the fact that I can't
smoke. When you're just a non-smoker, this lack of choice doesn't
bother you at all due to the fact that you're not really interested in the other option. When you've quit smoking, you've
effectively removed one of these choices, and even though it's a choice
you don't plan on making, its absence is definitely palpable.
It's sort of like the difference between having no where to go and
owning a car versus having no where to go and not owning any sort of
transportation. Even though you're not going anywhere, you still
feel more confined.
Social smokers are the worst. They shine like the holy grail of
non-smoking, like bright and shining beacons proclaiming that you can
smoke only when you want to. They make if feel like you can still choose
to smoke one day, and have that one day not reflect on your status as a
smoker. It's bullshit. Social smokers should be called
pre-smokers. I've never met an ex-smoker who could contain their smoking
to strictly social settings, but I've met tons of people, me included,
who were once social smokers, and have since turned into raging fucking chimneys.
I know if I tried to smoke socially, or just smoke
when I drank, it would take me less than a month to be right back at a
pack a day habit. I know, because two of the times
I've quit, this is the exact route I took in starting back up
again.
The sad part of all of this is that the more I think about it, the more
I'm realizing that quitting smoking is almost like being a recovering
alcoholic in that you're never really done with
smoking, you
deal with the addiction for the rest of your life whether you still
indulge in it or not. I really just want to go through my withdrawal and
be done with it, fully expecting a few rough nights here and there, but
definitely not haunting me for the rest of my life.
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