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| MASTERS OF THE OBVIOUS |  | Category: Rant
Tuesday, January 29th, 2002 @ 07:30 pm
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The Can Opener
50 years in the making
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I was watching the history of the New York Stock Exchange a couple days ago, being the History Channel junkie I am, and they dropped a bit o' trivia on me that nearly blew my fucking mind. It was about portfolio diversification. Now I'm not a economics guru by any stretch of the imagination, but I believe I have a firm grasp of the meaning of the term: you buy stock in a lot of companies, that way if one or two of them take a dive the diversification of stocks will take the brunt of it, and it will average out so you won't be taking a big loss. This is protection against the 'all your eggs in one basket' type of investing that causes people to lose all their money if the one type stock they own goes tits up. Seems kinda obvious, eh?
Au, contraire mon frair. The New York Stock Exchange opened its doors in 1792, with smaller, local stock exchanges predating that by decades; all this with the idea of diversification not existing until 1952. The guy that came up with it won a motherfucking Nobel Prize in Economics in -- get this -- 1990. What in the hell?!
This of course isn't saying that nobody ever thought of it, but Jesus, since the very beginning there have been investment firms in operation, consultants, and any number of people who's job it was to help people invest wisely; yet this idea was not published for over a hundred and fifty years?
It kind of reminds me of another piece of What The Fuck trivia that comes to mind every now and then dealing with the can opener. This little jewel of modern convenience wasn't invented for fifty years after the introduction of the tin can. How can you go about life for 50 years, bashing cans against pointy rocks, before it dawns on you that there has to be a better way?
And of course, as if it couldn't get any sillier, the better way turns out to be a big honking crowbar type thing that requires you to get your cans opened at the local grocery (probably due to the fact that any layperson would lose a few digits in the process of opening their non-perishables). It wasn't for another ten years that someone finally came out with modern can opener, who's derivatives we see and use today.
Sometimes I can't tell which astounds me more: humanity's amazing brilliance, or its complete inability to grasp the horribly obvious.
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| POWER, AND MORE OF IT | | Category: Rant
Sunday, January 27th, 2002 @ 04:15 pm
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The reach of Chernobyl's radiation
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I hope you don't mind my lack of pithy in the explanation of this update; to assume my point of view, one must understand my perspective.
I remember reading a Sci-Fi story about a voyage to Alpha-Centauri. It was supposedly happening in current times where three scientists had created a drug and accompaning chambers that would allow one to reamain in suspended animation for around 250+ years.
They began the voyage with much world-wide fanfair. The person from who's perspective the story was told had the task of waking in fifty years to transmit a message back to Earth as a sign that the first leg of the mission was a success. He did so and re-entered the 'sleep'. They were to take shifts of waking and journaling the trip. When it was his time to wake again, there was a huge, hulking spaceship burning in flames behind the ship they were in.
The story went on and they finally reached the distant solar system only to find that Earthlings were already there. As it turns out, by the time they reached the star, around 550+ years, humanity had technologically surpassed them and could now travel between the systems in around 45 minutes. The ship they had seen burning was a failed attempt during early progress in this advanced technology.
End Preface.
We have not built a nuclear power plant in twenty years. People bitch that we burn too much fossil fuel to create power, but the shadow of Chernobyl has loomed over the industry since the big accident, and people are afraid to try it again. This, of course, hasn't halted the operation of several plants that were created before, but we're still stagnating.
We have to realize that advancement in the field has kept it's original inertia, and has gotten to a point where a catastrophe of that magnitude has reached an almost miniscule amount of probability, and it will continue to do so. It will continue to do so thanks to mistakes like Chernobyl. That's how life works. You smack your bike into the pavement, you pick yourself up, and you've learned one more thing that you shouldn't do when riding a bike.
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| BOOTILY STINKILY |  | Category: pr0n
Saturday, January 26th, 2002 @ 06:40 pm
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Spikes, Butts, and Fishnets.
All That Is Good.
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Well, enough time has passed for a good ole porno post. My lord butts are cool.
I was thinking the other day about why I even post porn on here from time to time. Its not because it will drive up traffic, god knows the people who come here for porn just grab the porn, whip it a few times and move on, not reading a single shred of text anywhere. Then there's the fact that I don't want to be popular for having massive amounts of porn, lord knows the E-conomy doesn't have enough money flying around anymore to support free porn sites, and I'm no exception to that rule.
I suppose it all comes down to the fact that I look at a lot of porn online, and I keep roughly one percent of one percent of it. Naturally, one would assume that due to this, I have some high quality shit on my hands here (taste and mileage may vary), so of course I would want to show it off; but that theory doesn't really hold any water.
Maybe its just because this is my little neck of the cyber woods, I'm quite proud of it, and I like to display the female form on it. Use the site as a sort of pedestal to show the world some nice buns.
Who knows. I do know one thing: Ass is Good. Period. It was a wise man, he who invented ass. Except hairy ass. And that cottage cheese ass thing. Those were bad inventions; but a well formed double cheek is a true work of art. I'd tip my hat to the creator, if I thought he was actually kicking around up there.
Well, that's about it. I could fill untold volumes with my praise of the female bum, but I doubt that dipping a large ladle full of my own obsession, and pouring over the heads of the unwashed masses would keep anyone coming back here more. So take this post at face value and tune in tomorrow or so when me and my writers discuss the usual range of topics including, but not limited to, the social effect of lipstick lesbianism, and the political ramifications of the Camel Press.
   
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| TIME TRODDEN, REVISITED | | Category: Rant
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002 @ 11:07 pm
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or,
-ON THE RELATIVE INADEQUACY OF CERTAIN UNMENTIONABLE ANATOMICAL DETAILS OF YOUR HUMBLE JOURNALIST-
or,
-SHORTCOMINGS OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IN ALL OF ITS FORMS, BE THEY SPOKEN, WRITTEN, OR EVEN THOUGHT-
Yeah. So there's some fru-fru talk to kind of serve as a rough guideline of what's to come and to give this post a faint air of decency. I hope it's enough, cuz I'm feeling rather short lately.
Firstly and foremostly, we have the "time trodden, revisited" part, so I'll get to that directly. I asked you all for your input on what gives your lives meaning and makes you want to get up and greet a shiny new day (more or less- I'm not splitting hairs when it comes to quoting myself). You responded. And now I respond (and I'm sure there will be biting back in the comments and then the world's problems will be solved).
It seems that the bulk of your responses involved the pursuit of the (semi-theoretical) CP. I'm inclined to write the whole matter off as silly responses, given the general tone of the exchange. However, all of them were granted permanence of record, so I can only assume that this is an honest-to-claude focus for those who mentioned it. And with that, I don't really know what to say. The two of you who have actually experienced it seem to regard it as a pleasant fluke that occurred mostly because the opportunity presented itself and there was no reason to not indulge. He who hasn't seems to put it on a pedestal higher than the perpetual motion device or sliced bread and yet can't seem to resolve his anger and immodesty/hubris enough to afford any reasonable expectation of the achievement thereof in the foreseeable future. But hell, there's always room to strive and hope and if that's what keeps him going then who am I to judge?
There were also comments made regarding the pursuit of inebriation, entertainment, and the opportunity to entertain. In my mind, these are all separated by kind of nonexistant lines. I'm totally down with all of them and have been for some time. My only gripe is that it seems that so many ducks have to be in a row (to turn a phrase) in order for these pursuits to be achieved that I am at times fiercely annoyed with their existence (the ducks', that is). But I guess in the end my annoyance doesn't do much to outweigh my enjoyment of entertainment and/or diminished mental facility, so I'll nip a paranoid rant in the bud.
A comment was made about fellating our webmaster. While this is not a practice I stand in opposition to, I will leave participation in that activity to interested parties.
Speaking of our webmaster, he also made mention of taking care of this site. I think that makes sense. Hobbies are considered healthy channels for one to focus creative energies into. So much the better if the hobby facilitates the entertainment or enlightenment of others and encourages communication within a peer group.
Lastly on this topic, someone stated that the big three killed his baby. This was decided to be an unsolicited conversational off-ramp and was thusly done away with. Later, by way of explanation, he made it known that this was intended as a quote of a song that means something to him. After shedding brighter light on the matter, the whole exercise was considered to truly be facetious. However, I have gone to the trouble of locating the lyrics of the full song and learned many things in the process- some of which I will gladly share with you now, gentle reader.
 It's damned near impossible to find any collections of White Stripes lyrics on the web or in newsgroups.
When you can find lyrics, they're usually for the same one or two songs.
Their new video (for "Fell in Love with a Girl") is a brain-folding trip into Lego animation land.
"The Big Three Killed My Baby" is a very angry song and I did a pretty damned good job of figuring out the lyrics on my own, thank you very much.
I'm not going to reprint the lyrics here, but suffice it to say that they are about the enforced permanence of the auto and oil industries and how Mr. White seems to feel dwarfed -yet no less outraged- when faced with them. Which takes me to the next part of my post. (And I'll aim for brevity).
The reason I posted the whole question of what keeps folks going is because when I look out at the world I feel rather powerless. This bugs me because I'm living in the freest fucking nation on this planet and yet when I see what has been accomplished by certain unleashed and well-fed dogs I am left slackjawed. There is little one can do to change this state of affairs and I am sick of it. I find myself over and over again wishing for impossibly longer middle fingers and a whole new vocabulary full of words so foul that the one and only true God would fall down in tears if I would so much as whisper them. But that won't be happening any time soon, so I proceed to the next day... with my heart full of black stuff and prayers for meteors on my lips.
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| WOMEN |  | Category: Sex
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002 @ 12:48 pm
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All that I see
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This picture turned out quite a bit creepier than I intended. I thought it would be a funny "geek daydreaming" picture, but it looks like a maniacal stalker preparing his pliers and duct tape.
Sex is in every way some sort of cruel joke. Men spend the most of their time figuring out how they are going to get into a woman's pants. Men do the most insane shit, even when they know there's no chance that they'll ever get the woman. A man will tip heavily in a restaurant he'll never revisit just because the waitress is hot. Even if he sees her again, the extra three bucks isn't going to help his chances of procreation. Yet his wallet is porous at Hooters.
You can infer that all men are like this. I suspect that the only men who are different are gay. And the only difference is that you replace all of my references to women with "Tom Cruise". Actually, homosexual statistics prove my point. According to the AIDS paper Hyperlogic gave me more than 40% of homosexual men had at least 500 sexual parterns in their lifetime. To which I can only reply HOLY SHIT. This is what happens when you don't have women acting as boron rods.
And this brings me to seducing women. Gay men have it so easy. They just drill a hole in a bathroom stall and they're good to go. Not so for the straight man. Those of us who are not Adonis must learn the subtle art of lying to women.
I don't mean lying about your job or interests. I am referring to having the TRUTH exist only in the subtext of the situation. Perhaps you innocuously call your female "friend" just to hang out. Or when a shindig is winding down you ask a female you'd like to "get to know" if she'd like to have a cup of coffee. Or, later on, perhaps you stop at her house to use the bathroom. Or watch a movie. Or see her stupid dog. Or any one of the 10,000 things that you really DON'T give a shit about but claim to because you want to be on the other side of the door.
I must take a moment here to address what will no doubt be an objection to my theory. Perhaps I'm just not the ladies man. Perhaps I'm just not good looking enough to snag these women. Maybe if I was a prettyboy things would be different. But no, after clinical tests in the field I have determined beyond any doubt that my theory is solid.
According to the Principles of Obvious Lying (POL) the man must never EVER state his true intentions. The man must never address what is clearly going on. Here is an example of what would happen if men did not adhere to the POL:
Man: Every day I walk the long way around to get to the bathroom because I hope to catch a glimpse of your legs underneath your desk. I've built up the courage to ask you to go to dinner in the hopes that afterwords we will go back to my house and have sex.
Woman: 911!
You see? This is a typical example of the man telling the truth. He has betrayed no thought that is remotely out of the ordinary. Men routinely linger in front of the elevator when the hottie is on her way. They go to a particular restaurant just so they can see a particular waitress's legs (or breasts depending on the waitress and tastes of the man). A man will pretend that he's thirsty when he knows the hottie is in the lunchroom. That's just what men do. (And don't bother protesting to me, men. Remember, I'm one of you)
Now, lets revisit the above conversation, utilizing the principles of obvious lying.
Man: Hey, a few of us were going to go out after work. Do you want to come along?
Woman: Sure!
An advanced technique would be to do this even if no one else were actually coming after work. This requires some pre-planning. i.e. getting one or two of the guys to corroborate that they were going to come along, but something came up.
The Grab
Now you're going to have to lie to get the woman alone. Remember, "let's go to your house to have sex" won't work! The POL runs very very deep. A good technique is to find a place to go that is very near to your house so you have a good excuse to stop there on the way to dropping her off at home.
Correct:
Man: Do you mind stopping at my house really quick? I have to bring a video back to the store on the way back.
Incorrect:
Would you like to come to my house?
Central to the POL is that the woman can lie to herself about what is going on. If you do it correctly you can get her to sit on the sofa, take her shoes off, make out, and have sex before she even knows what's going on. And remember: until you have had sex you are not allowed to tell the truth. Don't get clever and think you can all of a sudden be honest. Here is a real life scenario from one of my field studies:
(John is on the woman's sofa at 2am. Both subjects are drunk. Woman has her legs propped up near John)
John (slyly): Can I kiss you?
Woman: That would make me uncomfortable
You see? I slacked off once I thought I was home free. Now here is another field study. Situation: John and another male are studying at a female friend's house. John says they should go to let the female sleep. John and other male leave in separate cars. John drives around the block, comes back and knocks on the door.
Woman: Yes?
John grabs woman and starts making out.
You'll notice a dearth of conversation coming from John in the successful examples. This is the important last step in the POL. Field study x55T-y:
Situation: John is introduced to woman by mutual friend in a club. Friend goes to buy drinks. John stares at woman. John grabs woman and makes out with her heavily.
Note the complete and total lack of dialogue in this example. Had I spoken, I'm sure I would have blown it.
Field study TK421:
John: Blah blah blah my job blah blah where are you from blah blah
Woman: Blah blah school blah blah my name blah blah blah.
John: Want to thumb wrestle?
The subjects thumb wrestle and John wins, but doesn't let go. Eye contact ensues and they begin making out.
Field study Magenta:
John writes song to woman, professing his love. He plays it for her. Woman, who previously was attracted to John, feels creeped out and uncomfortable.
I hope this has been an instructive post. In closing, remember these simple pre-sex POL rules:
1) Never EVER tell a woman that you're attracted to her
2) No matter what you ask a woman to do, no matter how obviously it points to sex, make it seem innocuous
3) Never talk about anything serious. IF you feel compelled to talk about "deep" issues, make sure they're shallow art-school girl Leonardo Decaprio crap. Don't tell her that you were molested as a kid
4) When the time comes, grab her. Like Nick Cage said: "You just put it in." Don't talk.
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