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Personal
BALL WIRE II
Category: Personal
Tuesday, June 7th, 2005 @ 12:08 pm
Posted By Brent

After enduring the agony of defeat, I'm back for round two of what will hopefully only be a two round fight with my ball wire.

For those of you just tuning in, I've previously chronicled my experience with trying to wax my sack in hopes of achieving man's ultimate dream, having a beautifully smooth scrote. This time, after insistent prodding by a co-worker I decided to give Veet a try. According to the masses it's the best thing since sliced bread, although don't ask me who these people are that have been touting the wonders of shaving with sliced bread. Weirdos.

First things first, this is not magic. Veet is nothing new, it's basically Nair, that is to say it's a "cream that dissolves the proteins that make up hair", i.e., it's an acidic chemical that melts your hair off. Granted, it works a lot faster than Nair and has the added benefit of not smelling like a two week old corpse festering in a acrid biological waste dump. A smell that you often hear women attribute to Nair and its ilk. The main selling point seems to be that it comes with this coolio little "Rasera™ Bladeless™ razor." This is basically a little razor with a squeegee blade in place of an actual razor blade that you use to sort of scrape off all the melted hair. I believe Nair just tells you to wipe yourself off with towel to achieve the same effect, but never underestimate the power of including a little toy when it comes to marketing a product. Not to be outdone of course, Nair has now brought a "Bladeless shaving kit" to market in a weak attempt to stay in the game, but I don't think anyone's noticing. But I digress, you came here to read about my beautiful balls, not to have an in depth discussion of the recent market fluctuations in depilatory cream sales, which apparently are vast and intriguing.

Now to get down to business. I strip down and lather up my frank and beans, being sure not get any on mucus membranes or the like. After slathering myself from lower belly to taint, I decide to up the ante on the experiment and wipe the remaining cream in my hands onto my armpits. I wash my hands and prepare to wait the requisite "at least three but no more than six minutes, depending on the coarseness of the hair." I aim for five minutes.

Once my five is up, I jumped in the shower and began Rasera™-ing all the melted hair out of my left armpit which surprisingly came off entirely. When I changed up to do my right armpit, I realized I had used the majority of the cream on my left pit and apparently didn't apply enough to my right because a good bit of hair remained (half melted and looking rather horrid I must add). No matter, I could clean that up later I thought, and focused my attention on the matter at hand, the old steak and 'taters.

Please allow me to pause here to quickly address an issue. If you're going to try this and you currently have formidable growth, it would probably be immensely more convenient for you to trim the area with clippers first. I believe the stuff is supposed to be used regularly, as to minimize the amount of hair and, in turn, only requiring a small amount of Veet. When you have a dense forest you end up using quite a bit that turns your boosh into a sort of toxic hair sludge. Also, if you have a good bit of hair, you will be constantly cleaning aforementioned hair sludge out of the Rasera™ bladeless razor every couple of strokes or else you'll just be wiping your self down with a big clot of hair sludge on a stick. I reiterate that I imagine this is easier if you do this regularly so that you are dealing with smaller amounts of hair.

All in all, it's much easier than shaving, and it's pretty cool using this bladeless razor thing with out a care in the world about accidentally slitting your sack open. I employed a double blind smell test (which is to say I ran up to my wife and thrust my package in her face and said "How does it smell?") to see if the area retained a chemical odor and it did not. One thing I didn't really think about was the contact between my balls and thighs while waiting for the stuff to work it magic, so I now have two bald spots on either sides of my junk. Oh well.

Once I was done I decided to reapply it to my right armpit in hopes of finishing up the job, but after having the second coat on there for a bout a minute I got the distinct feeling that I was giving myself a horrible chemical burn. So I rinsed it out and am now walking around with a raw armpit due to my stupidity. Let this be a lesson to you, do not double dip, pain is the only result.

In closing, if I had to rate it I'd give the VEET® Rasera™ Bladeless™ Kit two silky smooth testicles up... and yes, those would be my silky smooth testicles.



3 Comments...

BALL WIRE
Category: Personal
Wednesday, May 11th, 2005 @ 09:46 am
Posted By Brent

So I tried to wax my balls last night. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever try this. I actually drew blood. Well actually I didn't try to wax my balls or draw blood, that was all Brenda's doing.

To understand why this is such an impossible feat, one must first understand what waxing entails. First you heat up wax and, using a little spatula thingy, brush it on the area in question, which in this example is my sack. Then you place a strip of this cotton material over the wax and press down firmly to fully adhere the strip to the wax. At this point you are supposed to, and here's the kicker, "pull the skin taut" and quickly rip the strip away in the opposite direction of hair growth.

Ignoring the fact that the direction of ball hair grown is about as uniform as a Mexican police force, trying to get the skin on your sack taut is an exercise in futility. Having the amount of experience with my sack as I do, I can pretty accurately say that the phrases "taut skin" and "a dude's balls" should never be in the same sentence. It was like trying to remove duct tape from silly putty, and if you can imagine that scenario, just imagine what condition the silly putty would be in once you successfully extricated it from the tape. That's what my balls looked like.

Except silly putty doesn't bleed.



9 Comments...

100% UNICORN FREE
Category: Personal
Wednesday, May 4th, 2005 @ 10:05 am
Posted By Brent

I've always hoped that my witty repartee here would somehow be translated through and artists and scholars from around the world would be able to see through my petty grammatical mistakes and complete lack of vocabulary and detect my joie de' vivre and empirical views of the world around me. Either that or they would threaten to sue me.

Well good people, my ship has finally come in. Many of you may recall me jokingly making a Cafepress T-Shirt some number of months ago based on the all too famous "Nice T-Shirt" comic over at the Perry Bible Fellowship. Well I recently received a rather litigious email from the "Content Usage Associate" over at Cafepress informing me that one Mr. Nicholas Gurewitch has had enough of me riding his coat tails and that my thievery has not gone unnoticed, and that packs of rabid, blood thirsty lawyers would soon be at my front door demanding my very soul. Lo! There will be the gnashing of teeth and the crying of babes!

Using my keen powers of deduction I surmised that I may be able to minimize any and all damage by going straight to the source, which would be Nicky Gurewitch in this case, and throwing myself at his mercy, capitulating in total and begging for forgiveness. It went a little something like this:

Dear Mr. Gurewitch,

Hello. I received an email from Cafe Press about having your image (the Unicorn Power design) on a t-shirt. I would just like to email you and apologize, as I never meant any harm by it. It was put up there as a goof and an inside joke between me and a few friends of mine that enjoy your comic. I never made any money off of it and never intended to. Again I apologize for any harm.

Sincerely,
Cools McGee
(except I actually put my name. Cools McGee is just what I call myself in order to boost my self esteem. Stop judging me.)

After sending it, I realized I probably should have put something in there about kneeling in broken glass and other forms of self-flagellation, but much to my surprise I received a reply in a matter of minutes:

Brent!

Cafe Press does not exactly pull in big bucks for its participants, I realize. I felt like a jerk busting up the Unicorn love there. I could tell from the start that it was an affectionate homage to the comic, but I couldn't figure out how to contact you. I've taken steps towards getting some nice Unicorn shirts professionally done, and I was hoping to eliminate confusion.

Nick G

So, not only does it seem like I'm off the hook, but it also appears like we can all look forward to a professionally done, officially sanctioned Unicorn Power T-Shirt, of which I will purchase many in order to complete my penance. Man, the internet kicks ass.

2 Comments...

DEBT
Category: Personal
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005 @ 03:23 pm
Posted By Brent

After paying my last payment on my age old credit card debt yesterday, my work received a letter today stating that my student loan is paid and that garnishment of my paycheck is hereby cancelled. My ass is debt free for the first time in my entire adult life.

Well, actually now that I'm married I share my wife's debt, so I'm technically not debt free, but I'm not here to argue semantics. I'm here to celebrate the fact that I've take a very large step in the direction of "being able to buy things larger than a breadbox," like a car, or eventually even maybe a house. Imagine that.

Sorry if seems like I'm rubbing this into my debt-saddled friends' faces, I'm really not. Take comfort in the fact that I don't own anything in this world that any respectable bank would accept as collateral.



0 Comments...

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
Category: Personal
Friday, April 15th, 2005 @ 07:50 pm
Posted By Brent

I'll be brief, but three things of importance happened today: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'll list them in reverse order so that it ends on a high note.

The Ugly: Morgus the Magnificent returns to the airwaves tonight after a lengthy recess. For those of you not from New Orleans, it's kind of like an Elvira sort of thing, but with a local flavor. A mad scientist provides humorous "bumper" spots around horrible B list horror movies. If you're wondering why this is "the ugly," please click the supplied link.

The Bad: My Grandmother passed away today after being ill for an extremely long time. It's more of a somber occasion than a sad one for me because she's had a very low quality of life for a while now and she's finally past all that.

The Good: Jason and Reba had their baby today around 4:30 or so. From what I've heard he's a healthy eight pound baby boy, so congrats go out to them. Pete and Christine shouldn't be far now. In addition, although it didn't happen today, David and Susan had their boy April 5th I believe, so the obligatory congrats go out to them as well.



2 Comments...

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